Betrayed By My Body

Yesterday was a beautiful day. My autistic daughter was given an awarded in Reading,something Dr’s told me she would never be able to do. I can hardly express, in words, how proud I am of my girl and all her hard work. As we sat, waiting for her name to be called and clapping for all the kids we knew being awarded as well, something struck me so hard, so deep I had to force it to the back of my mind, so that it didn’t ruin this monumental moment for my girl.

When we came home, I went to my room to compose myself, before joining her in the family room where she typed more of her book onto her laptop. I had to sit very carefully, I couldn’t move very easily, and I was trying to conceal this from her. I didn’t want her to see how much sitting on the bleachers had hurt. I didn’t want to dampen that smile on her face as she text her best friend Zack, who won four awards. That is when everything hit me. Hard.

I sat for two hours on hard surface benches. I was hurting while there, but I felt it would be okay once I stood and walked it off. I stood, I walked, but I could hardly life my legs. My pelvis, hips and back were so sore I could not breathe without feeling pain near my kidneys.

I came to a very real understanding yesterday. This is not going away. This is not going to magically get better. I was not going to wake up one day and this be in the past. Not anytime soon, anyway. Am I complaining, no. I simply came to an understanding yesterday.

Endometriosis has changed my life, has changed me, has changed the way I do things. I’ve gone from being a woman who pushes through the pain to get things completed. Who won’t give up and keeps walking with the family at the fair, even though my body burns in pain. A Mom who does everything for her two children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, working outside and inside the home… to Me today. I can’t do all those things. I can’t clean my house top to bottom and still take the kids to the park and play after school. I can’t spend a full day in the lab and come home and go to the ball park and hit a few balls with the kids, or walk the trails with them. I have to do one or the other.

I’ve had this since I was 14, but it gets worse as time passes. Unfortunately the hysterectomy in September gave me freedom and pain free life for two months, that came at a cost. The Endo came back with a vengeance after two months. I’ve experienced much worse pain and complications after my hysterectomy, then I did before! Lower back pain, hip pain, pelvic pain, pain with bm’s that makes me nearly pass out. Bending is a no no, reaching above my head is a no no. So many things my body refuses to allow me to do.

The realization, I can’t do what I could. I have to ask for help, when I was the one always helping. I can’t take care of the house alone. So many I can not’s, angers me to no end. I’m furious this has taken place. I am furious that I am learning just how much this has effected my life in the last five months. The pain is more, the limitations are more, and I’m so stubborn I just keep pushing, telling myself I can do it.

Yesterday, I was in tears of pain sitting at the awards ceremony, but I refused to move. The familiar pulling, tugging sensation returned. This is the first event I’ve attended since my pain returned in Feb. SO this was a very real eye opener for me.

This morning things are in a different prospective. How much endo has taken, how much it hurts, how much I am no longer fiercely independent. I took a shower this morning, and my daughter had to assist me in drying my lower legs, handing me a towel then handing me my robe. I dressed but skipped my socks, which I need because I get so very cold, but it would hurt to try. She came in took socks out, said Mom you need your socks, you will be cold. And she put my socks on for me. She took my bag to the family room, my tablet, phone, books, writing tablet, lip balm,lotion, meds, everything I may need for the day including my heating pad in it. She made sure my lunch was on the top shelf so I could reach with out bending, and put my water bottle on my little table. My daughter took care of me today, because I could not take care of her. She even asked a friend for a ride to school.

Wake up for me. I can’t do it all, anymore. I can’t help everyone in my family. Now I need them to help me. How can this be? I’ve always been active, so active they tell me “SIT! before you drive me crazy.” How did I get here, why am I sitting on this sofa with this heating pad and hoping I don’t have to take narcotics to get through my day. A word that until August had zero meaning, Endometriosis. A surgery that showed me just how much of my daily pain was not normal, was not because I was always on the go, but was Endometriosis. That word. Endometriosis. That is the name of the enemy. Endometriosis. I have endometriosis. I no longer control my life’s schedule, and daily do’s. Endometriosis does. How did this happen, how can it be a very active person is all of a sudden, still… not moving.

I am limited, I need help with things, I am limited I need help with things…… FOR NOW. I will find a way around this. I will find a way to move, to not be still.

I WILL FIND A WAY.

I have endometriosis, I am a spoonie, but this is NOT my life.

I will be better, I will fight this for me, for them..

My babies.

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