It has been a while since I have allowed myself to post on social media beyond photos on Instagram and Twitter. I took a month away from Facebook at the advice of Dr. Lucci. I admit it has been a wonderful thing. I am going through many changes in my life and reflecting on empty relationships and toxic friendships. I’ve distanced myself from anyone that does not seem to really be invested.
In therapy Dr. Lucci and I discussed that sometimes you just have to let go of everything and everyone that simply serves no positive purpose in your life. This has been difficult for me especially where family is concerned. But I’m learning new tools to help in life. I’m learning how deep the pain from past abuse truly runs. I am also learning that I have the strength to overcome all of it. From toxic abusive family relationships to the sexual abuse and assault. What I lack is the ability to solve my problems and everyone else.
I am learning to set boundaries of what is allowed in my life. I always thought of this as being selfish but really it is just taking care of myself so I can take care of those that depend on me, rightly so. My children.
If you have people in your life, and many of us do thanks to social media, that seem to only comment or talk to you when it serves them, and them alone, cut them loose. Even if they are your family. Just walk away. Get out of that toxicity and breathe fresh, free air. Air not withheld by those that want to smother you with their negative aspects in life. Run far away from those selfish people. Look, you don’t need them. I promise you do not. You do not need lots of friends who are really just people you used to know and now post everything perfect in their life and leave out the messy details. The mess is what makes us interesting. It is what makes us human.
I’ve done a lot of thinking in my time away from online communities and social media. Is it really that important that I share where I go and what I do? Does the world need to know I purchased a new pair of shoes and picked out new sheets? No, not really. Do they need to know that I watched the latest movie at the theater and had popcorn? No.
If they were around, they would know. If they wanted to know what I was up to or how I was doing, they would ask.
One very special lady did just that. She checked in with me, she talked to me, she even sent me the most adorable card, which made my day. That is about it. That speaks volumes to just how much connection there is on social media. It speaks volumes that I was on the mind of this wonderful woman, but not on the mind of others.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my “family” relationships, or lack there of. I have worked through some very important things that I just shoved in the file cabinet of my brain and didn’t deal. It hurt, it crushed me to speak the words out loud to Dr. Lucci. It is one thing to write online about it, to people I don’t interact with on a daily basis. But to speak them, using my voice to say those things, that made a huge difference.
So now what?
Well, I am still here. I can be reached via e-mail, twitter and text. But beyond posting my blog updates on my Facebook, I think I will keep my vacation longer. I am happy not reading posts that make me want to scream. I am happier not see the bullshit. I have more time to do things I like doing.
We recently changed the entire look of our house inside and out. We did it to clean our lives of all the past. To get rid of all the things tied to memories I no longer wish to see. I have spent two months getting to my authentic self. Not caring if people are going to not like how I decorated the house. Or if they will be rude when here and make horrible comments about my weight, hair, face, house or anything else they want to nag about. For the first time in so long I picked things I wanted. I did things the way I wanted to do them. My home now reflects my inner self. My true self. And as I look around my living room while I type this, I’m happy. It started with forcing myself to feel what I really feel and think what I really think without holding back. It started with my first ever completely raw journal entry. No sugar coating in case someone found my journal and read it. It has progressed to dressing my way, dancing when I sing in the house and not hearing those horrible words in my head of “You can’t sing, shut up.” I put on an outfit and I feel good in it. I don’t hear “You ruined your legs with too much exercising.” or “If you eat that your pants won’t fit tomorrow.” I no longer hear those horrible things from my childhood and teenage years.
I have a long way to go, but at least I’m putting in the work to be a better me. To be the me I keep hidden.
I am happier.
I am for the first time in my life smiling for me, not for them.