Good evening everyone who visits my page and reads my blog entries. Normally I keep these as upbeat and positive as possible. No matter the amount of pain I am in, or how upset I may be I keep this as positive as I am able. Why?
- I do not want to ever be seen as weak or whining.
- I do not want to depress or upset others.
- I want to be a positive spirit in a world of such negativity.
- I have always wanted to help others before myself, even as a child. My being down won’t help anyone. Least of all me.
So why is this entry different? What has changed? The answer to that is very easy. I have changed, I am different. You see I am no stranger to pain. As a toddler through present day I’ve had chronic pain. As a child I would crawl on hands and knees to find my mom and ask for help. I had issues with my legs that caused extremely painful shooting pain in my legs. The only thing that helped was her running me a hot as I could stand it bath and getting meds in my system. We are talking as young as three I have memory of needing Mom to carry me because a simple shopping trip was too much for my weak legs. Weak, there is that word again. So when I was awarded the prize all of us ladies are given for being a woman pain became even more part of my life. What prize you may ask? Mother natures cruelty called a period. I hated them, I still do and I don’t have them now days. Yeah I evicted that bitch of a uterus for causing so many issues in my damn life. I would miss school, work, fun with friends when that awesome bitch decided to cramp and put me through hell for a week. I was sent home from work because I looked “white as a ghost” due to the damned pain. The doctor said it was just me, in my head and doped me up on meds to help. Yeah meds for an imaginary pain that felt like my appendix and uterus wanted to jump out of my body much like the alien babies did on Alien. Only the damned things never did. Instead they just stayed inside me. Those bastard aliens just stayed in my pelvis and tried to claw their way out every freaking month. Yeah, not sounding like much fun is it?
At age 34 these periods had me bed ridden. I shit you not, I laid in bed on narcos for period pain. Only it was not just period pain. It was my insides feeling like razor blades and barbed wire twisting and turning inside me. It felt like someone or something shoved it’s hand up my bitch (name for my vagina, omfg she typed vagina YES I did) and had a hold on my organs and was turning and twisting and pulling everything downwards. It used to just be through hell week but then it became two weeks, the week before and during. THEN oh the best part, it became three straight weeks of pain. Sitting, laying, standing, moving felt like my insides were all zip tied together. I had Cyan natural, and this shit hurt more. I had a kidney stone that shutdown my damned kidney and it felt better than this damned pain. So finally the doctor figured it out. Well, actually I finally told my pcp exactly what was happening. Immediately the word, that damned fucking word endometriosis. I remember thinking to myself, you mean this shit has a name and it’s not the awesome curse words I call it when it makes my body want to jump in a pool of lava because it might feel better? Son of a bitch. So fast forward I have a hysterectomy to “cure” me. Yeah we all know that sad sappy shit of a story. It didn’t cure me, it did however fuck me up more than I was. Yay for stupid doctors that care more about getting my insurance money than actually taking care of ME.
So 5 major surgeries, 30+ procedures and a slew of ER visits in less than three years. Where am I now? Well I’m sitting here typing to this screen telling all of you how much shit fucking sucks. My lower back is toast, it just decided it didn’t want to work any longer. I see a spinal surgeon for that next week. I’m heading back to my gyno because the bitch fucking hurts like crazy again and apparently I have endo decorating my intestines. For that I must have surgery with a specialist in Cali. I am on a mostly liquid diet because I have decided I am firing my digestive system. I mean having a bm should be a god given human right. NOPE. My dumb ass body make me FEEL pain from deep inside starting just above my belly button down as shit moves through me. We are talking screaming nearing passing out pain. Fuck endometriosis.
I said some bad words, and probably too much info crap but I just don’t care right now. I’m sitting here in pain, in tears, and just frustrated as all get out. I have a week full of doctor appointments next week and I just don’t care at the moment. I keep thinking it won’t matter if I go they can’t fix me. I called my endo Dr and asked if they have designer colostomy bags and if so I’d like one or ten. That’s how over this shit I am. Ha shit, literally and figuratively.
I wanted to see the meteor shower last night, just something simple, lay out and watch the stars fall. Something that I find so innocent, so beautiful and majestic. I was able to lay out for about twenty minutes before my body said “Fuck this let’s hurt even while on the strongest shit possible.” Am I complaining? No I am simply sharing why I don’t chat often, why I have not been active on social media in a while. I’m tired ladies and gents, I’m wearing thin and I’m struggling to keep my head above the water. I will be okay, this I know of myself. I’ve yet to let myself fall. Well okay there was that time in the tub this week and okay I did take a doorknob to the tummy leaving me with a huge hematoma. But I’m still standing. I may be doubled over in pain, I may be a little grumpy now and then, and I may require a bit of assistance now and then when my 39 yr old body decides it wants to act 90 yrs old. But I’m still on my feet, I’m still putting one foot in front of the other. I may be in tears while I walk, but the point is I’m still walking.
I’m just saying a lot of dirty words and been really sick of people and their petty bullshit as of late. I am walking, but I am truly doing it alone. Why do I say I am doing it alone? I have people around that help, yes. I have support, yes. But right now only I know what is “wrong”. Only I seem to understand that I’m not ignoring you I’m silently breathing through labor pains my body is putting me through. I’m not in the mood to listen to you bitch about how you stubbed your toe and it hurts, poor baby. I’m tired of the negativity, you think I am all sunshine and unicorn farts all the time? Hell no. I can’t sleep, yet I am so very tired. If I find something to distract me, like a game or whatever it’s “stupid” and a “waste of time”. So much dickness going on around me and I’m just so very tired of it.
I’m just tired and maybe there are some of you that are just tired as well?